We met through an online dating website. After our first date I could tell this is someone I wanted to spend time with. We chatted, we laughed, and we said we would see each other again. About four dates in he says he wants to take me to a party. Oh em geeeee! He likes me enough to take me to a party you guys! So official, right?
So little ole me with all my New Relationship Energy (NRE) says yes right away. And then you know what the next thing this man says is, “I probably won’t be wearing clothes”.
Me: Oh, okay. Yeah, cool. Will everyone else be in clothes?
Him: Probably not. It will be fun!
I had not seen this man naked but now I was being invited to see him naked along with all the other party people. Why not, I guess?
For context, I should mention that at the time my view of dating was not just to enjoy someone’s company but to get a boyfriend. I was tryna date, date this dude. Like, hopefully get invited to all parties for years to come, kind of dating. I was convinced a boyfriend was going to solve all my problems and give me all the confidence in the world. After all, I know I am my best self when I am with someone, right?! I was trying to impress him. “Look at how cool and easy going I am, man. Date me some more”. *face palm*
This was a pattern I recognized on my path to healing. I was going to go along with whatever he said because I wanted to be accepted and loved. A woman who is cool and easy going is acceptable. A woman that says no is not the kind of woman you don’t want to be around. At least that’s what I believed because that’s what I learned from society. You can think of it like Ann Perkins in Parks and Recreation. Chris Traeger liked to jog so she started jogging. When they finally broke up and she finally did some of her own mental health work, she says:
Plus, at the time I was newly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. When you have BPD your main goal is to make sure people don’t abandon you. For me, it manifested as if I liked you, I was going to say yes to all your ideas even if I was uncomfortable. I should say that this generally has turned out to be a trait that has served me because I got to try all these new things I normally wouldn’t have. However, I have learned when I create an intention for why I was doing what I was doing, I started making choices that better served me not the person I was trying to connect with.
Back to the story…
The day of the party arrives and I am in full prickly pits mode. I have butterflies in my stomach while trying to pick out an outfit that I will probably be taking off anyway. Who was I?! Of course, I picked a super tight dress that accentuated all my curves…in black. You know how it is when you are trying to look cute when you are super self-conscious. Black is the way to go. Ay dios mio…so here we go.
I pull up to his house with clenched buttcheeks and a flushed face, recognizing that I probably won’t relax for the rest of the night. He, on the other hand, is so kind and so relaxed. He hugs me and says that he is excited I am joining him and how it’s going to be really fun. I want to cry. It’s so comforting but I am holding in all my baggage. Were people going to like me? Were people going to stare at me? Was I going to have a mental breakdown?
We show up and pay the party donation. We mingle and I put on my best small talk charm while dying inside. Then one of the housemates comes out and says,
“We are all so glad you’re here! Remember: there are no phones or recordings allowed of any kind, everything here is strictly consensual, anyone who violates the community rules will be asked to leave and banned from the house indefinitely”.
Holy safety, Batman! While I am still picking my jaw off the floor, he says “I’m going swimming, come over when you’re comfortable”. Bless this man. Bless this house. A party full of strangers who have all agreed to behave. I played it cool and didn’t walk over to the pool right away. I probably just looked like that Pulp Fiction gif.
I walk over and find his face in the pool. He smiles at me. It’s a very genuine smile that is coming straight from his eyes. It’s so encouraging. He isn’t trying to see me naked, he’s encouraging me to be brave. My [face] cheeks are on fire because I am blushing so hard. I started to wiggle my way out of the tight dress. Not cute, super awkward. My brain is screaming at me “bitch, get the clothes off!” I managed to get a wedgie and hit my nose trying to perform this normal person task but I did it.
I turned back to the pool smiling. I imagine it looks charming but probably looked like I had gas. I walk into the pool next to him and he whispers “you did it!” He then turns back to everyone and says “this is Alyssa” and all the other naked people say “Hi Alyssa!” I finally relax my butt cheeks a little as I repeat in my mind “let it go” and I unclench the tension. No pedos, thank god and then we just stand around and talk. We talk about Star Wars, Disneyland, places to eat, memes, and personal experiences. It’s all so normal I start questioning what the hell out of what I was worried about.
There was nothing to hide here and I stopped trying to impress everyone and I just was myself. All those naked people in the pool were just themselves. I felt so connected. But alas, my wine started wearing off and it took the liquid courage with it. I did another unsexy dance to get back into my dress and then found a corner to be alone.
It was such a relief to be alone but I was processing hard core! What had I done! What does it all mean?!
It meant that I went to a party where people freely and consensually were naked. It meant that I trusted people who had done this before. It meant that I just tried something new.
I attribute that experience and that very kind man for mentoring through some real self-love breakthroughs. I stopped thinking that being naked meant that you had to be sexualized. Being naked should be about celebrating your body, period. I saw so many different types of bodies that night. All kinds of sizes, shapes, and genders both conforming and non-conforming. We were all just humans, human-ing. There was no judgment when everyone was just coming as they are.
If you happen to read this kind man, I just want to say thanks for letting me try to impress you and instead changing my worldview. Thanks for helping me see that my body is beautiful. I feel embarrassed for being so mean to myself all those years and I’m on the road to forgiveness.
No more pinching, poking, or name-calling. My body is strong, capable, and special.
Love,
AC
Originally published at http://thislatinalefthome.wordpress.com on August 3, 2020.
