I decided to take a stab at online dating again even though we are in a pandemic. I was really curious what it looks like when we are all supposed to be physically distancing. Well let me tell ya, it’s the same. People don’t respond, people ghost, people seem cool and then they aren’t, people have some strange ideas about the world etc etc…
Nothing has changed too much but images like the one above seem to flood my social media advertisements now. This really got me thinking about dating as a system and as a concept and what it really means right now for us.
The realization that I came to is that we are (30–40 somethings) are living in a world with a generation of men and women who grew up with a very specific idea of love. For women it was and is find a husband, get married, have 2.5 beautiful children in a beautiful home. For men find a woman who is loyal, willing to get married to you, you’re the sole bread winner, and don’t you ever show emotion. Let me be very clear, this is not what people necessarily consciously think, these were the ideas presented to us as we were growing up through media, magazines, our parents’ generation, religion, and so on. Plus this is a generalization that excludes LGBTQ+ folx because when we had shows like Friends growing up, it was cool to homophobic. That’s why when TV started showing men kissing men and women kissing women or OH MY GOD women enjoying sex (gasp!) it felt foreign.
In my experience (and of course not all men) men are not equipped to handle emotions because they were never taught to handle emotions. Instead we see them blaming that women are in fact too emotional and that is their “downfall”.
I have had male friends tell me that they haven’t cried since they were children and that relationships that have crushed them the most were the ones were they really felt something and opened up to another person. I want you to read that again but this time imagine you’re speaking with a little boy. I want you to look the little boy in the face and tell him he isn’t supposed to be crying and to suck it up. That feels yucky, right? It should.
My female friends have shared with me that their bodies have rarely had autonomy, myself included. Decisions about what to wear, what color, what size, what make-up, what skin-care routine and on and on to impress…who? If our bodies are not our own than who are they for? “Princess culture” taught us what it meant to be a lady and to find our prince charming that sweeps us off of our feet. Girl, no. You sweep your own damn feet and wear the damn shorts; your legs are amazing!
I digress…
I think about this because I see how many people are lonely and how many people have divorced or split because of this pandemic which makes me wonder if we are taking an actual inventory of what is happening in front of us or if we are passing it by to go on to the next date. And how we are still consuming ideas that don’t serve us.
Many of us binged watched The Office again during all of this and thought that a love like Pam and Jim’s is real. A relationship based off of insulting someone else or “hating the same things” is not based off of substance. It shows that two self conscious people get validation from making others feel bad because they themselves need to feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I think The Office is a great show but damn! The media we consume has a direct affect and effect on our brains. We live in a system filled with images of what love is but have we really stopped to think if it’s the love we want?
I have started to ask myself (with the help of therapy, of course!) what makes me feel safe in a relationship? What do I value? What do I want it to look, feel, smell, taste, and be like? Are my ideas of love rooted in my self of sense worth or the worth of the advertisers that sell my perfect skin and a skinny body? How am I looking for that in a partner?
These are extreme challenging questions to ask authentically when you can just return to OkCupid and swipe to your hearts delight. When you can be distracted that he bought you flowers once and she wore a sexy outfit the first time you met her. Are these gestures genuine to the person or is it because we think we have to do them in order to be loved? AND do we put pressure on ourselves to accept these gifts without question? Because the truthy truth is I really like getting flowers but I hate to think about where they were flown all the way in from and they die right in front of you. I’d rather someone spend time with me than get me flowers AND I AM NOT A STUCK UP BITCH FOR SAYING SO…to the men who have told me that 😉 .
Dating is so damn hard but the point I really want to make is that when we don’t examine why and where people are coming from, it makes it even harder. If we don’t challenge our ideas of what we are “supposed” to be doing (i.e. waiting two days before calling her) and instead focus on what feels good for us than we are going to continue to struggle.
Know your worth and know what is worth putting up with.
Good luck out there!
Love,
AC
PS Continue to wear masks on dates, take the time to get COVID tested then isolate, be honest about your exposure. Okay…love you, mean it.
Originally published at http://thislatinalefthome.com on October 4, 2020.
